Thank you for saying thank you..

Like most people, I have been reprimanded for many things in my life- not doing my homework, accidently leaving the iron on, not putting the lid back on toothpaste ;I wont lie, there’s plenty more. Now I will admit (not out loud of course) that most of these rebukes were warranted, for who fancies their house burnt down or chalky dried-up toothpaste up against their gums. Recently though, I was chided for something that left me puzzled and made me question the very teachings of my fourth grade English teacher, Mrs. Morrison, aka the queen of propah! I was told off not once, not twice but three times by different people for saying thankyou! If that doesn’t question the very workings of the universe, I’m not sure what does!

The first incident involved a flat mate of mine offering free tuition for my daughter. She was generous with her time and teaching, which naturally compelled me to express my deep seated and genuine gratitude (for who doesn’t like a good freebie?)  So I thanked and I hugged, I might have even cried a little. My friend though was far from impressed. ‘I don’t need or want your thank yous’ she said frowning. ‘Stop.’

Not long after, a neighbour helped out when I had an unexpected hospital stay. ‘Thank you, thank you ‘ I said, touched that she had shown me kindness and made the experience less traumatic. She spun around and said ‘You say thank you far too much. Don’t’.

Fast forward a couple of weeks later, and there I was yet again being at the receiving end of kindness. One of my friends saw my little boy off to school as I had to leave for an unplanned appointment. Her timely assistance saved the day and I couldn’t thank her enough. ‘You’re far too formal’, she said. ‘Enough with the thank yous’.

Something was wrong here. Three people mirroring similar sentiments was enough to shed some serious self- doubt. Did my thank yous seem hollow and not genuine enough? Was I really being too formal and austere by actually expressing my gratitude out loud? Were thank yous out of vogue?

I related my happenings to a friend, who I considered sensible (on most days, and when it wasn’t a full moon). ‘Why was my appreciation so poorly received?’ I questioned.

She ruminated on her gum for a while before answering.  ‘An excessive display of gratefulness might make some people uncomfortable. Maybe for some the very act of helping is so fulfilling that they find thank yous pointless.' 'That's just plain weird, you big-hearted freaks.' I thought.

‘Or maybe it’s your ‘thank you face. You know, the one where you look puppy -dog eyed, but also look like you need the toilet. It certainly makes me uncomfortable.’

That discussion led me to then to carry out further discussions with other (self proclaimed) experts, i.e best friend, husband, and the ten year old. ‘Thank yous are not always necessary’, one chirped. ‘Between family members, it’s a little pretentious.’  ‘Thank yous? Bah! Overrated’ another claimed. ‘ It’s inferred isn't it?’ Expert number three had a different view. ‘Accepting gratitude needs grace. Some people are just embarrassed by it.’

I then proceeded to process my research and quickly conclude my study, because 6 hours spent discussing thank yous suddenly felt like 358 minutes too many, thank you very much.

Expressing gratitude is not an option. It’s a must. If someone takes the time and effort to do something for you, whether it’s making you a nice cup of chai or taking your gall stones out, thank them; each time, every time. Don’t wait, do it. Look them straight in the eye (not chest) and say a genuine thank you. Once ,maybe twice at the most, because a fifty thank yous said at once (self!-take note) can get a bit old. Then look away, because you don’t want to be labelled a creep.

Learn to accept thank yous graciously too. You deserve it; don’t be modest about receiving it.  And most importantly, practice your thank you face. Else you’ll be shown the rest room more often than you need it.

Thank you.

The fathering conundrum

Dear Frustrated-fed up- fathering fella,

Come here. No, seriously, come on. Let me give you a warm hug and dry those large, floppy man-tears and share in your heartache. For though I lack spatial orientation and cannot parallel park, I do however, possess the ability to place my feet into your size 11 loafers and
genuinely feel your pain.

Let’s backtrack a little shall we? There you were floating about in your magical bubble, your life dominated by spontaneity and dare-devilry, where weekend lie - ins were mandatory, where love was expressed freely and often, when all of a sudden you realise a baby is on it’s way!  The outcome perhaps of a crazy night of drinking and playing twister, or was it her mother’s insistence that it was time (what, you think you’re a still a chicken spring, hanh?) or simply because you were overcome with a raw, primal need to sow your seeds and pass on your man-genes. You finally stop crying and allow warm, fuzzy images to cloud your mind-images of tiny fingers clasping your pinkie, playing footsie with your son, dancing with your lovely daughter at her wedding and you tell yourself that yes, YES! I’m ready!

And then the apocalypse happens. With the arrival of your beautiful baby, your once idyllic world has been thrown into chaos and you don’t quite know when and how it all went wrong. Amidst all the coochie-coos your child is getting and the attention showered by the world on your missus for bearing you offspring you feel unloved and a little forgotten. You've firmly concluded that you're not made for this fathering mumbo-jumbo and secretly wish your baby had come with a return-label on it's bottom.  

Take a deep breath and sit down. Close your eyes and imagine happy thoughts (Sunny Leone bending to pick something up if you must, I’m not judging), and hear me out. I might sound preachy and a lot like your mother-in-law, but I mean well, honest.

Let’s take a look at the two main elements that contribute to your predicament – your child and your significant other.  

A lot of men find it difficult to relate to their young children. You ask yourself, where is that angelic child you’d ordered- the one that was meant to sleep on it’s own, entertain itself sans parental intervention and radiate cuteness every second of every day? And how did you end up with this whiny, colicky, poo-churning blob that will soon no doubt morph into a tiresome toddler- a toddzilla?  

The single most important thing that you can do to help yourself in raising your child (and this applies to every parent ) is to adopt and practice a ‘parenting policy’. A part of this policy requires that you consciously and repeatedly tell yourself that this is your child. Yours. Not ( solely) your partner's, not the child's grandparent's or the lady down the street that baby sits twice a week, yours.  While these wonderful souls might willingly parent on your behalf and do it with the utmost elan, remember that you must and should make an effort to remain the child's primary care-giver. Making this your mantra puts into perspective the mammoth responsibility that comes with having a child and the need to put that responsibility into practice. This might seem like stating the obvious, but some men (not all, so pipe down, Mr-Father-of-the-year over there in the corner) find a lack of understanding in dealing with their young children incapacitating to the point where they choose to become spectators. Fellas, I get you. I mean, babies whine- a lot, you can't really talk sport with it and let's face it, from where you stand, it's in nirvana when all it does is eat, sleep and have unlimited and ready access to your wife's boobs, which surely must make you a little jealous.

 However, being clueless about your role as a parent is not your prerogative alone. Women are just as often in the dark over child-rearing as you are, and we're the ones with the uterus and the supposed maternal know-how! A lack of understanding does not warrant that you abandon project baby altogether and stop being an active parent. Learn. Make mistakes. Swear (into a paper bag). Feel like the biggest loser father there is, but don't shy away from spending time with your little one. Rock that delicious bundle to sleep, feed your critter her mashed veggies or blow soap bubbles for your tiny tot. Find ways engage with her physically and emotionally at every chance you get. Earning a child's trust takes time and effort and regardless of how much you may feel the love, it means very little until you put that love into effect.

If the preaching hasn't got to you yet, keep reading. 

Another part of the 'parenting policy' is to think like a child. We as adults, often forget how very different children are from us and yet how alike in some ways. Young children cry to express a multitude of emotions and what a bother, it's up to you, the grownup to discern whether it's a, b, or c. This can be challenging even on a good day and sheer hemorrhoidic on others. Little critters seek instant gratification too so asking them to wait two minutes while you finish a phone conversation is a lot like asking your mother-in-law to stop doling out advice-pointless. Their brute honesty stops them from adopting social etiquette so yes, accept that your mite will scream and rant when you stop him sticking his fingers into the fish tank at your local restaurant. Cease to have adult expectations from your young brood and remind yourselves constantly that children too have good days and bad. Show love, plenty of it, and not just when your children are impossibly cute but also at times when they seem possessed by the Devil. Nurturing your babies even when they seem a bloody nuisance ( i.e the games on and your critter wants to play hide and seek) goes a long way in building a loving bond and in return you will bask in some of the purest love you will ever receive.

Now the missus. Ah. So you’ve come back home after a long day at work , only to be met at the door by your (once loving) wife, who seems to have morphed overnight from the Little Mermaid to the Incredible Hulk. And we’re not talking about her size here (baby weight is hard to shift so shush!) but it's her attitude that stands tall and ugly. She’s seems angrier than a swarm of bees and blames you for just about everything including the baby not latching on properly and the rising fuel prices. What is a man to do?

First, take a deep breathe ( an adequate supply of oxygen to the brain is key when dealing with children and women alike) and grab hold of your woman and give her a cave-man hug. Now, read on.

The multitude of changes that accompany or follow the arrival of a baby can be overwhelming, we've established that. A lot of women choose to take care of their children for most of the day, which can be a wonderful experience but can also completely unhinge you. Young children can be selfish to the point where you cease you have an identity of your own and a tad overwhelming when they take control and decide when you eat, sleep and use the toilet. Working women who suddenly find themselves as stay-at-home-mothers can also struggle with the change in status. A nine-to-five job provides you with a defined set of hours, a salary, a chance to bitch over coffee and often appreciation for the work that you do. Mothering provides you with none of the aforementioned which can at times be a downer because who doesn't like a pat on the back every now and then?

'But what about me?' I hear you ask. 'I bust my behind to earn for this family. The very least my woman can do is manage the home.' The fact that you're taking care of your family monetarily is huge, no doubt about it. But compartmentalizing our roles in the family equation is pointless when your ultimate goal is to raise happy, healthy, confident children.

A lack of personal space and freedom could be one of the reasons why your partner is giving you the cold shoulder. There are a few things that you can do to help, and you most certainly do want to help because you know that a happy woman equals a happy home and a happier you.

- Give her some me time. Allow her to spend an hour or two a day where she she's away from the kids and the home and has to think about no one but herself. Allow her to spend this time any which way she chooses, guilt free. '

 - Throw in some praise every now and then. She's at home taking care of your gorgeous babies and doing a bloody good job of it, so take the time to appreciate it. If you cannot stay up to calm your colicky baby, show some support for your sleep-deprived partner who does it instead. Everyone and I mean everyone, loves genuine, honest acknowledgement once in a while.

- Show some love. A warm bear-hug or a kiss on the forehead can feel like the answer to all your problems.

There you have it fellas. All you wonderful fathers out there, we love you. No seriously, we do.

Love,

One-crazy-momma

Not so long ago, I was a working mom. A snooty working mom. I'd meet stay-at-home mothers and tut-tut them in my mind ( sometimes out loud) and wonder what these women actually DID all day. I'd then wear a look that said  'I really am frightfully sorry that you don't have a job or a life (both of which, by the way, I firmly possess thereby instantly making me far superior to you), but till you do, chin up and bake those oatmeal cookies girl!

Ah but then life kicked me in the behind and drove my snootiness firmly to the ground. When my second child was born, I became a stay-at-home mom myself. A full-time, round the clock, no escaping it, sole caregiving kind of mom. It was then, THEN, that I fully comprehended what all those women actually did. And then some.

For those of you who are yet to experience this phenomenon or never will let me explain. Being a stay-at-home parent means exactly that. You are at home with your child for the greater part of the day ( hopefully  NOT locked in the basement somewhere ). You have a new boss now, one that's more demanding, less forgiving and commands your undivided attention regardless of whether you need to sleep, eat, wee, or have a temperature of a 104. This tyranny can have one or many of the following consequences:

1. You experience every emotion in the book, sometimes within a span of a few minutes which then results in you questioning your very sanity and whether you're really suited for this whole parenting thing.

2. You end up a flabby, hirsuite, unibrowed mess because let's face it, when do you have a moment to breathe, you'd rather choose the warm confines of your couch over the gym and the TV remote over a pair of tweezers.

3. You become a social misfit because you know nothing about currents events and you've forgotten how to converse without punctuating your sentences with gobbledygook.

'Bah' I hear some of you say, 'what's with all this new found stay-at-home malarkey?' 'Back in my day' others will add, 'I raised six children, three cows, ten chickens and a goose without so much as a whimper.' To these women I will say ' I applaud you. I salute your tenacity and your ability to always mother with a smile.  I, sadly, am of a different calibre. I belong to that group ( and I find solace knowing that there are others like me) that are at times, overwhelmed by caring for a young child and then promptly are overwhelmed for being overwhelmed in the first place! Because surely, not being able to keep it together is a monumental mothering fail?

And so, there I was. Grumpier and grouchier than ever before. I didn't want to be known as a stay at home mom. I longed to get up, get dressed and head out the door ( to work mind you, NOT the Bahamas (i'm keeping it real people)), to gossip during coffee breaks, to HAVE coffee breaks, to have purpose. I was consumed by the desire to be somewhere else, and held firm the belief that my true calling lay outside my home.

And so I turned into an insufferable bore. I yelled at the husband, the dog, the milk man, anyone and everyone that I could unleash my unwarranted wrath upon. This carried on until the time  I noticed a gradual change in my children. They began to mirror my aggression. My pent up frustration reflected in almost everything I did and my babies, not knowing any better, turned into raging, ranting mini-mes. That got my attention. I did not want negativity around my children, least of all from me. So after a lot of introspection, yoga (some) and the occasional mood-elevator, I made some changes. And life became picture perfect. Yes? No. I still have days when I turn into the Predator but things have certainly  improved. This is what I did different:

1. Look at your children: No seriously, stop whatever you're doing and take a good long look. Look at their tiny faces, their chubby fingers, their wispy hair and become aware of how very fortunate you are. Talk to your self, out loud if you need to and acknowledge the fact that there are thousands of couples out there that yearn to have to babies but remain childless. When your toddler insists that you blow bubbles out of thin air while dinner's burning on the hob, this works a charm to give you perspective.

2. Cherish the love: The love your children give you will most likely be the most wholesome and genuine that you will ever experience. Enjoy it. Wrap it tight around yourself and bask in it's deliciousness and tell yourself that your terrible toddler will soon morph into a terrible teen who will look and sound like something out of the Grudge and will hand out that love in small measure.

3.  Take care of yourselves:  I would often get so caught up with things on the home front, that I would either skip a meal or I end up eating crackers out of a box. This would then unleash the beast in me. So I started to eat proper food -on time, made sure I drank plenty of fluids ( water, NOT beer ) and it made a world of difference.

4.  DO NOT compare:  Ok so we all do it. We get online, see pictures of all these fabulous people with fabulous lives, who visit exotic places and win prizes and become Presidents and it makes us feel like mouldy cheese. Don't do it! There will always be someone better than you, prettier than you, smarter than you. Face it, deal with it and learn to be happy with what you have.

5. Reach for that mascara: It's amazing what a little bit of eye liner can do to uplight your mood ( well it does mine, call me flimsy if you must ). So even if it's just the school run, change out of those pyjamas, brush back that hair and slap on some slap.

6. Set goals: In a conventional nine-to-five job we're all given tasks to complete, goals to achieve. Stay-at-home mums, do the same! It doesn't need to be massive or life changing, it just needs to be a step towards doing something constructive. I try cooking a new dish, teaching my son the alphabet, teaching the husband to put trash INSIDE the bin, painting a picture with my baby girl. It feels good, trust me.

7. Have some me-time: Ok, so this one's a no brainer. Having some time to yourself when you don't have to think about nappies, dinner, homework, or whats rotting at the back of your fridge is cathartic. Just an hour a day to yourself can work wonders.

Yep, so watch this space for more ways to be a stay-at-home momma and NOT go bat-sh*t crazy. Love and peace x