Dear Frustrated-fed up- fathering fella,
Come here. No, seriously, come on. Let me give
you a warm hug and dry those large, floppy man-tears and share in your
heartache. For though I lack spatial orientation and cannot parallel park, I do however,
possess the ability to place my feet into your size 11 loafers and
genuinely feel your pain.
genuinely feel your pain.
Let’s backtrack a little shall we? There you
were floating about in your magical bubble, your life dominated by spontaneity
and dare-devilry, where weekend lie - ins were mandatory, where love
was expressed freely and often, when all of a sudden you realise a baby is on it’s way! The
outcome perhaps of a crazy night of drinking and playing twister, or was it her
mother’s insistence that it was time (what, you think you’re a still a chicken
spring, hanh?) or simply because you were overcome with a raw, primal need to
sow your seeds and pass on your man-genes. You finally stop crying and allow
warm, fuzzy images to cloud your mind-images of tiny fingers clasping your pinkie,
playing footsie with your son, dancing with your lovely daughter at her wedding
and you tell yourself that yes, YES! I’m ready!
And then the apocalypse happens. With the
arrival of your beautiful baby, your once idyllic world has been thrown into chaos
and you don’t quite know when and how it all went wrong. Amidst all the
coochie-coos your child is getting and the attention showered by the world on
your missus for bearing you offspring you feel unloved and a little forgotten.
You've firmly concluded that you're not made for this fathering mumbo-jumbo and
secretly wish your baby had come with a return-label on it's bottom.
Take a deep breath and sit down. Close your eyes
and imagine happy thoughts (Sunny Leone bending to pick something up if you must,
I’m not judging), and hear me out. I might sound preachy and a lot like your
mother-in-law, but I mean well, honest.
Let’s take a look at the two main elements that
contribute to your predicament – your child and your significant other.
A lot of men find it difficult to relate to
their young children. You ask yourself, where is that angelic
child you’d ordered- the one that was meant to sleep on it’s own, entertain
itself sans parental intervention and radiate cuteness every second of every
day? And how did you end up with this whiny, colicky,
poo-churning blob that will soon no doubt morph into a tiresome toddler- a
toddzilla?
The single most important thing that you can do
to help yourself in raising your child (and this applies to every parent ) is
to adopt and practice a ‘parenting policy’. A part of this policy requires that
you consciously and repeatedly tell yourself that this is your child. Yours.
Not ( solely) your partner's, not the child's grandparent's or the lady down
the street that baby sits twice a week, yours. While these wonderful souls might
willingly parent on your behalf and do it with the utmost elan, remember that
you must and should make an effort to remain the child's primary care-giver.
Making this your mantra puts into perspective the mammoth responsibility that
comes with having a child and the need to put that responsibility into
practice. This might seem like stating the obvious, but some men (not all, so
pipe down, Mr-Father-of-the-year over there in the corner) find a lack of
understanding in dealing with their young children incapacitating to the point
where they choose to become spectators. Fellas, I get you. I mean, babies
whine- a lot, you can't really talk sport with it and let's face it, from where
you stand, it's in nirvana when all it does is eat, sleep and have unlimited
and ready access to your wife's boobs, which surely must make you a little
jealous.
However, being clueless about your role as
a parent is not your prerogative alone. Women are just as often in the dark
over child-rearing as you are, and we're the ones with the uterus and the
supposed maternal know-how! A lack of understanding does not warrant that you
abandon project baby altogether and stop being an active parent. Learn. Make
mistakes. Swear (into a paper bag). Feel like the biggest loser father there
is, but don't shy away from spending time with your
little one. Rock that delicious bundle to sleep, feed your critter her
mashed veggies or blow soap bubbles for your tiny tot. Find ways engage with
her physically and emotionally at every chance you get. Earning a child's trust
takes time and effort and regardless of how much you may feel the love, it means very little
until you put that love into effect.
If the preaching hasn't got to you yet, keep
reading.
Another part of the 'parenting policy' is
to think like a child. We as adults, often forget how
very different children are from us and yet how alike in some ways. Young
children cry to express a multitude of emotions and what a bother, it's up to
you, the grownup to discern whether it's a, b, or c. This can be challenging
even on a good day and sheer hemorrhoidic on others. Little critters seek
instant gratification too so asking them to wait two minutes while you finish a
phone conversation is a lot like asking your mother-in-law to stop doling out
advice-pointless. Their brute honesty stops them from adopting social etiquette
so yes, accept that your mite will scream and rant when you stop him sticking
his fingers into the fish tank at your local restaurant. Cease to have adult
expectations from your young brood and remind yourselves constantly that
children too have good days and bad. Show love, plenty of it, and not just when
your children are impossibly cute but also at times when they seem possessed by
the Devil. Nurturing your babies even when they seem a bloody nuisance ( i.e
the games on and your critter wants to play hide and seek) goes a long way in
building a loving bond and in return you will bask in some of the purest love
you will ever receive.
Now the missus. Ah. So you’ve come back home after a long day
at work , only to be met at the door by your (once loving) wife, who seems to
have morphed overnight from the Little Mermaid to the Incredible Hulk. And
we’re not talking about her size here (baby weight is hard to shift so shush!)
but it's her attitude that stands tall and ugly. She’s seems angrier than a
swarm of bees and blames you for just about everything including the baby not
latching on properly and the rising fuel prices. What is a man to do?
First, take a deep breathe ( an adequate supply
of oxygen to the brain is key when dealing with children and women alike) and
grab hold of your woman and give her a cave-man hug. Now, read on.
The multitude of changes that accompany or
follow the arrival of a baby can be overwhelming, we've established that. A lot
of women choose to take care of their children for most of the day, which can
be a wonderful experience but can also completely unhinge you. Young
children can be selfish to the point where you cease you have an identity of
your own and a tad overwhelming when they take control and
decide when you eat, sleep and use the toilet. Working women who suddenly find themselves
as stay-at-home-mothers can also struggle with the change in status. A nine-to-five
job provides you with a defined set of hours, a salary, a chance to bitch over
coffee and often appreciation for the work that you do. Mothering provides you
with none of the aforementioned which can at times be a downer because who
doesn't like a pat on the back every now and then?
'But what about me?' I hear you ask. 'I bust my
behind to earn for this family. The very least my woman can do is manage the
home.' The fact that you're taking care of your family monetarily is huge, no
doubt about it. But compartmentalizing our roles in the family equation is
pointless when your ultimate goal is to raise happy, healthy, confident
children.
A lack of personal space and freedom could be
one of the reasons why your partner is giving you the cold shoulder. There are a
few things that you can do to help, and you most certainly do want to help because you know that a
happy woman equals a happy home and a happier you.
- Give her some me time. Allow her to spend an
hour or two a day where she she's away from the kids and the home and has to
think about no one but herself. Allow her to spend this time any which way she
chooses, guilt free. '
- Throw in some praise every now and then.
She's at home taking care of your gorgeous babies and doing a bloody good job
of it, so take the time to appreciate it. If you cannot stay up to calm your
colicky baby, show some support for your sleep-deprived partner who does it
instead. Everyone and I mean everyone, loves genuine, honest acknowledgement
once in a while.
- Show some love. A warm bear-hug or a kiss on
the forehead can feel like the answer to all your problems.
There you have it fellas. All you wonderful fathers out there, we love you. No seriously, we do.
Love,
One-crazy-momma
Love,
One-crazy-momma
